- guardian.co.uk, Friday January 5 2001 16.30 GMT
That creepy phrase, "lesbian chic", is about to make a comeback. Fashion shows for spring/summer 2001 were awash with ties, braces, jodhpurs and flat chests. But like the Hollywood version of Notting Hill or heaven, the fashion version of lesbianism is not to be trusted. In the real world, nobody has ever really seen two size six lesbians nuzzling up to each other in braces and men's trousers, as Armani showed on his runway this season.
It's a long time since Diane Keaton popularised the "little girl in search of a sugar daddy" look in Annie Hall (big ties and oversized men's suits). In the 80s we saw Annie Lennox do it again in a harder form (suit plus slicked-back hair and lipstick) in the Sisters are Doing It for Themselves era, but it was Yves Saint Laurent who had put it on the map in 1968 when he dressed Catherine Deneuve in his famous tuxedo pant suit - although of course he accessorised it with lipstick and heels.
A year ago, a dyke friend of mine was sent home from her job because she turned up in a suit and tie. "You think you're some big dyke or something?" her boss ranted. She thought she was just dressing up. The moral of the story is that whatever they say in Milan, lesbian chic does not work if you wear it with flats and no make-up, and are the wrong side of a size 14.
The seeds of lesbian chic were planted in the early 1850s in the US where, as Bronwyn Cosgrave points out in Costume and Fashion, A Complete History, dress reform was a significant focus of early women's rights activism. Amelia Jenks Bloomer lectured in trousers gathered at the ankle under a short skirt - a look that later came to be termed "bloomers".
At the turn of the century, the godfather of leggings, a French designer called Paul Poiret, started to make clothes that were practical and comfortable for the avant garde women who dared practise the sports of cycling and tennis. In the 1930s - when you couldn't call yourself lesbian and work again in this town - "gamine" was the word used to describe the sartorial appearance of the menage à trois composed of Marlene Dietrich, Greta Garbo and scriptwriter and notorious womaniser Mercedes de Acosta.
In 1934, Acosta took her sometime lover Dietrich to her Hollywood tailor where the actress ordered 16 complete men's outfits. Acosta wrote later: "From that second on, women all over the world leapt into trousers - every photograph that appeared of Marlene sold thousands of pairs of trousers to women . . . the war not many years later spread the habit further as women war workers everywhere took to slacks."
But what do real lesbians wear today? When you interview a male fashion designer, he will tell you that: a) he is inspired by women who are strong (bless) and b) that clothes hang better on women with no breasts. While lesbians and gay men have very little in common, we do tend to agree on this breast issue. As a lesbian, I would say that breasts per se are aesthetically uninteresting.
Traditionally, favoured designer labels include Calvin Klein, Ralph Lauren, Ann Demeulemeester, Costume National, Yohji Yamamoto and, of course, Helmut Lang. These easy-to-wear, tailoring-based labels shout footloose-and-fancy-free (as opposed to Lacroix,Ungaro and Dior which shout round-the-clock armed guard and taxis).
But there are many more looks to aspire to. In an international lesbian identity parade, you would have, starting from the left, the Miami Dyke. She looks like Donatella Versace - all make-up and botox - but is not to be mistaken for West Hollywood Dyke who looks like Penelope Pitstop and who wears real girl lingerie (as opposed to the London Lesbian who favours those silk gingham boxers on sale in exclusive gentlemen's outfitters in Jermyn Street).
The New York East Village Lesbian can be spotted by the dog she is walking and by her grey V-neck Hanes T-shirt worn over a long-sleeved white sweatshirt from Canal Jeans. The Jurassic Lesbian will be wearing an identical outfit to her girlfriend - matching khaki shorts from Gap, a T-shirt with a political message on (Nobody Knows I'm A Lesbian) and beige mountain-climbing trainers.
Moving on and trying to pretend she has nothing to do with her will be European Urban Lesbian in Twister Levi's, limited edition Nikes and an expensive Diesel T-shirt. (In the 80s you had diesel dykes, now you have Diesel Dykes.) This "army trousers/ trainers/no-messing eye contact" look has in recent years been adopted by straight girls who work in television and groups like the All Saints, so that it is sometimes hard to tell a lesbian from a trendy hetero girl.
Fashion designers always say the important thing is to Be Yourself. Of course, this is rubbish. The important thing in fashion is to wear Gucci, dye your hair blonde and look like everyone else. Designers are constantly intrigued by the Big Lezza Look because Big Lezzas have chosen not to be like everybody else. They can't shake the feeling that there must be something fantastical lying at the back of our closet.
• Biche by Stephanie Theobald is published by Flame (£10.99).
