Many things were bad about US entertainment in 2000. A few weren't

Guardian

1. Gwyneth Paltrow and Ben Affleck

Boy, it's a crowded field but my bétes noires of 2000 handily fought off challenges from the likes of rinky-dink Meg Ryan, box office idiot savant Adam Sandler, Madonna (well, at least she's out of my neighbourhood) and mockney-nob Guy Ritchie, Judge Katherine Smith, Lynne Cheney, and dependably tiresome but inactive hardy perennials like Henry Jaglom, Hal Hartley and David Lynch. My nightmare scenario was fulfilled by Bounce, which teamed our two winners in a winningly emetic combination. That dog at the gates of Hell has two heads, not three.

2. Reality TV

We've had docu-soaps, reality TV and doctored documentaries with plot points and story arcs concocted by committee. We had Survivor USA, Big Brother USA, The 1901 House, The Frontier Show (manufactured misery, 1880s style). And Fox TV, which brought us Who Wants to Marry a Millionaire? (who'll probably knock you about), will soon bring us Temptation Island, in which four couples preparing to commit to long-term relationships spend a month on an island teeming with horny singles who'll try to seduce them asunder. Cap'n Jerry Springer is truly at the helm of the Good Ship Disinfotainment.

3. The electoral quagmire

The farce itself is no bad thing. It's at least demonstrating to Americans how politically polarised their country is and that every level of the allegedly august and impartial judiciary is in the grip, or the gift, of self-serving ideological placemen. But the media coverage has been disgraceful - from Fox TV's decision to call Bush the winner (one of his cousins, a Fox consultant, saw to that) to the feeding frenzy that now greets the merest press release. And poor Dubya Bush looks deeply unhappy about being the likely victor. Little wonder: to quote Texas political commentator Molly Ivins, if you put that boy's brain in a bumblebee, it'd fly backwards.

4. Battlefield Earth

Barking, leg-lifting dog (or runt) of the year - nothing else even came close. But every reverse for the Church of Scientology is one more victory for us "normals". Thus it was nice to see the man the public associates most closely with the group, John Travolta, fall flat on his well-fed backside in this tedious and inept, insanely expensive pseudo-epic. But guess what - the sequel's already in the pipeline. People of Earth! Before it arrives, we must devise and construct super-rockets and motherships, abandon our planet to the pod-people of Chairman Ron and immediately colonise Saturn.

5. The action movie genre

Gone in 60 Seconds? My toilet flushes faster than that - and it's much more fun to watch. The Art of War? The Arse of Bore, more like. And what do you mean, a Get Carter remake? Get away from the Get Carter remake is much sounder advice. The spent and exhausted genre produced two semi-flaccid successes this year: John Woo's Mission: Impossible 2 (a journeyman outing for the master) and the cute but stupid Charlie's Angels. It seems that, apart from Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon, action movies have few surprises left for us. Time to kickstart the abattoir!

6. Happy endings

An evergreen bugbear. Families are reunited, misery is headed off at the pass, true love prevails, the guy gets the gal, the villain is mailed back to his mum in 20 separate marmalade jars and everybody rides off into a glorious sunset. Raise your snout to the breeze and you can detect the familiar stench of freshly laid Hollywood horseshit. I realise we go to the movies to seek release from our daily dread, but the tyranny of the happy ending is now as bad as Stalin's dictates on Socialist Realism. Surprise me! Kill the good guy for a change.

7. The following words...

"A masterpiece!" "Jaw-droppingly awesome!" "A roller-coaster ride from start to finish!" "An adrenaline-pumping, heart-stopping adventure!" "The most fun I've had at the movies this season!" "Strap yourself in and hold on tight!" "Two thumbs up!" "It's indelibly etched in your memory!" "Wow! A film that will knock your socks off!" "[Insert stars' names here] give standout performances sure to be remembered at Oscar time!" "Thrilling!" "It's top-tier movie escapism!" "Smart, sophisticated and sexy! The chemistry between the stars literally explodes!"

8 ...and the fools who write them

Which is to say film critics, among whom I must include (and therefore indict) myself. I've used the word masterpiece a few times myself, which I think is actually worse and more dishonest than most of the hyperbolic tripe quoted above (most of which was probably purchased from or blackmailed out of critics by studio PR flacks, and all of which comes verbatim from one week's worth of press movie ads). As a breed we critics have collectively lowered our quality thresholds to ensure that we can deal with at least some of the trash that washes up in our multiplexes on a Friday. And thanks to the wonderful innovation that scientists call the Quote-Whore, we know that the threshold may yet descend through the floor and into the sewer.

9. Ten best lists

Because I can't think of even five movies released last year that I'd pay to see again, not even on video. Because lists are a form of sexual sublimation and ego-food for Hornby-esque sadsack losers without dates.

The good stuff

1. Robert Downey, Jr

The most gifted actor of his generation (etc - but it is true), Downey has become both a poster child for pharmacological overkill and the most visible martyr of America's dementedly misguided War on Drugs. How could a troubled and fragile thespian genius be so persecuted? OJ Simpson is still walking the streets and Downey may be going back to jail.

2. Russell Crowe

We already knew from The Insider that Crowe was a fine, subtle, vanity-free actor, happy to ruin his looks to play pudgy and useless. But Gladiator and Proof of Life prove that he's also a great movie star. One is not the same as the other, and the two rarely combine in one actor. Crowe is as manly as Connery and as subtle as Robert Ryan. Pity he sounds like such a prick in real life.

3. The Daily Show with Jon Stewart

The funniest show on US television - a combination of spoof CNN and spoof Letterman, The Daily Show delivers fake news that eviscerates the real news. Jon Stewart for president!

4. Mainly About Lindsay Anderson

Gavin Lambert's affectionate biography - an account of Anderson's depressingly attenuated career - is one of the best movie memoirs ever. Anderson's chosen gravestone epitaph: "Surrounded by fucking idiots."

5. The coming strikes