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- The Guardian,
- Thursday January 18 2001
Inside, MPs decided to start with a little hunting of their own. Andrew Robathan, a Tory, tackled Mr Blair for the 289th time over John Prescott's cheap union flat.
"Your unpleasant and nasty obsession reflects much worse on you than on the deputy prime minister, whose integrity I prefer any day of the week," Mr Blair replied. The rest of the hunt dipped their hands into Mr Robathan's still-warm blood.
Nicholas Soames somehow managed to mount his steed. Why had the prime minister misled us all by claiming on TV that he had voted against hunting in 1997 when he hadn't, and that the bill had been lost in the House of Lords, when it wasn't?
"As for what I said on Question Time," Mr Blair replied, "we will wait and see what happens in the other House!"
Gone to earth! The pack (I think of Mr Soames as a half a dozen hounds in one sack) spotted another quarry and swerved to attack the Speaker, Michael Martin. The prime minister had been less than honest, he said. The Speaker replied that no member of the House was less than honest, which, to be fair, caused as much merry chortling among MPs as it did in the galleries.
"No honourable member would mislead. Perhaps misinform," said Mr Martin firmly, if nonsensically. "That certainly is an original ruling," said Mr Soames, with the de haut en bas splendour of a master of foxhounds scoffing at a tenant farmer. This time it was the Speaker's twisted, bleeding corpse which will be on an animal rights shock poster.
Finally the debate. Tally-ho! The deputy speaker, Sir Alan Haselhurst, sounded the horn: "We must now deal with the question that clause 1 stand part, with which it will be convenient to debate whether clause 2 stand part, and clause 3 stand part ... new clause 1 with amendments (a) to (c) ... first four clauses and three new clauses..."
On and on he went. I have attended whole debates which were shorter than Sir Alan's briefing. Yet there are people who understand this gobbledygook. Luckily, none of them are members of parliament.
The debate thundered over the much-loved old ground. Had members seen a video made by Lord (Melvyn) Bragg about the problems a hunting ban would cause farmers in the Lake District? "Shoot Lord Bragg," yelled Tony Banks.
No one was safe. Mr Banks later admitted tipping a live rat into his neighbour's backyard. What had it to do with the debate? Nothing, but the House was in the grip of a collective bloodlust.
Labour's Ian Cawsey was asked if he would adopt a hound which will otherwise be put down when a ban comes in. Panic in his eyes! Then he got it: "A dog is for life, not just a debate!" he exclaimed. A masterful escape.
Mike Foster, who brought in the original bill, scorned the idea of self-regulation. Ann Widdecombe sat on the Tory frontbench nodding energetically at everything he said. John Bercow, Mini-Me to her Dr Evil, for once disagreed with her. Did Mr Foster also object to that other self-regulating body, the Advertising Standards Authority?
Yoiks! Whose blood could fail to be stirred by attending a meet of the historic Groucho Hunt, perched on their steeds outside an old coaching inn, their traditional black Armani suits glinting in the winter sunshine, their stirrup cups charged with margaritas. And they're off in a cloud of white dust! Sorry, clods of black earth.
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