Arthur Smith
Guardian

Wednesday December 27, 2000

Did you know that Cinderella had been on stage for more than a 100 years before Buttons turned up? Or that Aladdin's widowed mother had been around for 73 years before she acquired the name Twanky. Were you all aware that it was Cilla Black who restored the Female Boy to the London Palladium in 1971? Have you realised that I have found a book about panto and am now arbitrarily copying bits out of it?

Pantomime has evolved over more than 200 years into something very British and very weird. As with Lionel Blair, foreigners are generally amazed when the genre is explained to them. For my French friend Monique, it is confirmation of her suspicion that all Englishmen are secret homosexuals who want to dress up in skirts and wear make-up.

My own experience in this form is limited to a brief season in Copenhagen where I gave my dame. The audience mainly comprised of earnest academics keen to deconstruct this strange phenomenon. They would arrive an hour early to read an information pack explaining the history and conventions of the show. While I paraded around in a big frock duetting with the Sheriff of Nottingham, bearded sociologists scribbled away. They were an enthusiastic audience though, if a bit slow. When I got to the line, "oh yes it is", I had to wait 30 seconds while they consulted their notes to work out the correct response - but it came in a big Danish roar.

I'm not really a panto man. The thing that annoys me about it is that the bar is often not open during the second half. I was surprised then, a while back, when I was asked to write one for Julian Clary. I decided it would be interesting to do something radical, I came up with "King Lear - The Panto". It struck me that there are structural similarities between the great play and Cinderella, who is obviously Cordelia. Regan and Goneril are the ugly sisters. The Fool is Buttons. Admittedly, King Lear as Baron Hardup was stretching it a bit, but I presented my proposal with enthusiastic optimism. Julian's people said they'd get back to me. That was eight years ago. I note that Julian is starring in Cinderella at the Theatre Royal in Brighton and I'm sure he's brilliant. He was right to reject King Lear - The Panto. It would have been terrible. Blow winds and crack your cheeks, missus.