If the aim of NHS Direct is in part to neutralise the threat to NHS funding posed by the hypochondriac, a feeling in my water (possibly a renal complaint of course, but equally possibly a divination) suggests the result may be the reverse. For while regular trips to the GP are moderately expensive and calling out an ambulance costs a fortune, the briefest flirtation with NHS Direct is enough to send the dialling finger racing towards the phone.
The first port of call on the road to self-diagnosis, the "body key" section, invites you to isolate the inquiry to one of four areas: abdomen, skin, limbs, and head and chest.
Under the latter, the symptom that catches my eye is "chest pain in adults" - a constant problem, especially after a good lunch - and double clicking on this brings up a little yes/no quiz. "Have you felt this pain before during a heart attack?" it begins. It is here that the system begins to break down, because the correct answer, in my case, is "no firm diagnosis has yet been made, but I have my doubts".
This is not an option, however, and clicking "no" brings up another box asking about further symptoms: "Crushing pain like a band around your chest, pain which moves to your jaw or left arm? Feel sick? Sweating heavily? Short of breath?" Shortness of breath is among the leading benefits of smoking 40 cigarettes a day, and the moment you click "yes" to this, "999" flashes up in a menacing red box. Disregarding the matter of whether the genuine heart attack sufferer will show the restraint to sit down at the desk, turn on the computer, and go through this charming quiz before calling the emergency services (assuming that by then he is still alive to make the call), there are other curiosities to be enjoyed.
Under "dizziness in adults" the yes/no question concerns a classic description of a stroke: "Is there also any weakness," it asks, "numbness or tingling in any of your limbs, or strange things happening with your sight ,or a severe headache, or are you having difficulty speaking properly?"
If the answer is yes, instead of the flashing "999" the system invites you to call NHS Direct and chat with a nurse - an intriguing notion given that stroke victims so often speak gibberish after the fashion of Professor Stanley Unwin.
Answer "no" to a sequence of inquiries about any perceived problem, however, and a green cross eventually appears beside the words "self care", along with some "general self-care advice" such as drink more fluids and take paracetamol. Do not, in other words, dream of wasting your doctor's time with this nonsense.
No self-respecting hypochondriac will take any notice of that, of course, but a few of us may enjoy the odd ambulance ride to the cardio-thoracic unit courtesy of NHS Direct, to discover how clever an electro-cardiogram can be at diagnosing indigestion.
Matthew Norman writes a Diary of a Hypochondriac in G2 fortnightly on Tuesdays
